(16-05-09) Still Feelin’ the Love

When a loved one is going through something major, it’s easy to step in right then and there to help.  At least, for me it is.  You hear someone you love crying or venting or worrying, and right away you feel their pain, feel this instant need to SAY something … DO something … to get them through it.  You reach out a helping hand to that loved one, they take it, things get better, they appreciate you for whatever it is that you did, and you both move on with your own lives.

… but what happens when that “major event” drags on and on … when one thing leads to another, then another … and the days become weeks, and the weeks become months?  Can you honestly be expected to continue reaching out a helping hand during that whole time?  I mean, come on.  You only have TWO hands – and a life of your own.

I thought about this a LOT back when i was still out on FMLA.  I remember feeling completely overwhelmed by all the people reaching out to me after my surgery in November, which is when i first started (slowly!) telling people.  According to my Verizon statements, I spent 55 minutes talking on the phone and sent/received 1,995 text messages from August-September, which was right before my cancer journey started.  Just two billing cycles later, my statement showed 615 minutes of talking on the phone and 2,297 text messages … and just last month, i was up to 4,259 text messages.  IN A SINGLE MONTH.  So, like i said, i remember feeling completely overwhelmed by all the socializing that was suddenly happening in my life.  I mean, this was just the phone.  This doesn’t even count emails and Facebook messenger conversations that also quickly doubled, then tripled.  This also doesn’t include the dramatic surge in house visits and the social outings to catch up over coffee or food.

Whenever i would feel overwhelmed, i would remind myself, “This isn’t going to last forever.”  I wasn’t talking about the cancer.  I was talking about all the socializing.  In my head, i just took it for granted that my loved ones would slowly start to fall off the radar.  Isn’t that what happens in times like these?  Don’t we hear all the time that monumental life experiences end up showing you “who your true friends are?”

Loved ones, i completely underestimated you – and for that, i am truly sorry.

It’s been seven months since i found out i had advanced cancer …
… six months since i had a double mastectomy …
… five months since i started chemo …
… four months since the chemo began breaking down my body …
… three months since i went back to work …
… two months since i started officially fighting with my employer …
… one month since chemo ended …
… 1.5 weeks since i went on paid administrative leave …
… and four days since i started radiation.

And you are

Simply typing this fills my eyes with tears and clouds the words forming on the screen in front of me.  I have to stop and grab a tissue to catch the emotions pouring out of my eyes and nose, just so i can finish typing these last few sentences.

I love you.
All of you.
I didn’t even realize it was possible to open my heart and let in all this love, to open my world and let in all this light.

From the former coworker/acquaintance i called out of the blue back in October (before i was ready to tell my friends and family yet) to ask her about her battle with breast cancer and to get help writing out my first to-do list for my own journey …

… to the ex-girlfriend who just spent this last weekend reminding me how much we are all capable of growing and loving and shining …

… and to every single one of you in between who has BEEN HERE with me, fighting this fight alongside me and never letting me think for one goddamned second that i am in this battle alone …




Author: breastcancerat35

I was diagnosed with Stage 3C Invasive Breast Cancer in October/November, 2015. This blog is my way to process my experience and allow my loved ones to have ongoing updates about my journey.

3 thoughts on “(16-05-09) Still Feelin’ the Love”

  1. It is hard for me to imagine that you didn’t know how loved you really are…..you seem like a really intuitive cookie!!!


  2. Ok here is the truth. I don’t love you. I don’t even like you. I just need you back to keep my student count low and so I don’t have to teach essay writing because you do it.
    So there. Naaaaa😜


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