(17-03-29) Reconstructive Surgery 2.0

I’m not sure if my absence from this site has been noticed.  I’ve been in my head a lot, regarding whether to go through with this reconstructive surgery.  I think there are two reasons why i’ve been ruminating so much.  First, this is a decision that i am truly making all alone.  I know all the decisions are essentially mine to make … but i did let myself get swayed a lot with some of the previous issues (agreeing to chemo, allowing them to remove the expanders and implants, fighting the man at work), so i was able to diffuse the responsibility.  If something went wrong with any of those experiences, i could lay some of the blame on someone outside myself.  But this decision – the decision as to whether to go through several painful surgeries just to look “normal” with clothes on – is mine and mine alone to make.  If i end up being dissatisfied with my decision later, the only person i have to blame is myself.  That scares me … which leads me to the second reason for such ongoing rumination: the self-awareness.  I don’t like what i see in myself when i think about this decision i’ve made.  I should be stronger.  I shouldn’t care about looking “normal.”  I should see this battle wound as sexy evidence of just how strong my body can be.  I should be proud of my body, not ashamed.  I should want to rip my shirt off and shout, “Look at this!  Can you believe i survived that shit?!” and then have crazy, confident, completely naked with some womyn who is just as impressed by my war wounds as i am.  But i’d be lying if i told you that i see or think any of these things.

Okay.  Logistics.

Pre-op consult with Dr. Matatov to prep for surgery on Thursday, April 6.

Surgery on Friday, April 7.  It is scheduled to start at 7:30am.  They never start on time.  Dr. Matatov blocked out 10 hours in the operating room.  This is important because you may not hear any updates until 8:00pm or later (Phoenix time).  Don’t stress.  The surgery is SUPPOSED to take between 6-10 hours.

I am required to remain inpatient for a minimum of 48 hours, due to high risk of blood clotting in the first 24 hours after the surgery.  This means at the very earliest, i would leave the hospital on Sunday, but it’s more likely going to be Monday.

Just like with all my other surgeries, i am choosing not to discuss which hospital i’m having my procedure at, and i will be signing a form denying any and all visitors (for the smarty-pants people [ahem, Michelle]  who like the challenge of figuring out on their own where i am at).  Please don’t take it personally.

My mom is flying in on Monday, April 10 and staying 9 or 10 days.  If you’re one of my loved ones who tends to worry each time about whether i’ll have enough support: rest assured.  My mom’s got this one.  🙂

I am going to designate one person to be authorized to get updates from my doctor via phone; that way, there is at least someone who knows that my surgery went successfully and all that.  If you want to be added to the list of people (s)he updates, please write a reply at the end of this blog entry.

I’m not gonna lie.  I’m nervous about this – way more nervous than i was with the mastectomy.  I think it’s because i’ve had the TIME to worry.  I’m trying to keep that in check this next week.