(19-04-16) A Collection of Thoughts From Today

  • To those of you who have called, texted, or hugged me at work, thank you. I feel your love and support. I’m still not ready to talk to everyone about this. I’m trying to figure out what i want my next steps to be, and i need to do this on my own.
  • Did Dr. Rubio lie to me about all the improvements i was making? Or did going off the program for a month (ulcer surgery, a week of hospitalization, and then three weeks of recovery) cause this much deterioration? I know that Rubio Cancer Center is not a scam because i have heard half a dozen people TELL ME their success stories. I want to believe in Dr. Rubio’s ethics and competency … but my anger puts doubts in my head.
  • Dad, your stupid president screwed me on my taxes. Usually, i get about $4,000 back each year, largely due to itemized expenses. He took away a lot of the expenses i would itemize – which cost me $3 grand. Regardless, my $1,143 refund is going right to you via our joint account. You currently have $5k in there… Haha, only $50,000 to go.
  • During Cancer Treatment Round I, I remember how much i hated being consumed by so many medical appointments. It’s already happening (and i haven’t even fully agreed to treatment). Today, i met a new radiologist. He will do the radiation on my brain IF i agree to it. Brain surgery is also a possibility, depending on what next week’s MRI shows. Both options freak me the fuck out. My best friend from high school died from brain cancer. He was really fucked up at the end….
  • Dr. Curley wants me to try 2-3 rounds of chemo to see if it is something i am willing to put up with. I told him I’d think about it and read the literature. He swears up and down it will be nothing like the chemo i had in 2016. I have trust issues and don’t believe him.
  • My boss is being so understanding. When we were talking today about the situation and how it involves my job, i bawled the entire time.
  • I have cried all day – both by myself and everytime someone approaches me to discuss this. I am an ugly crier.
  • My phone will be off a lot this week. I am stuck inside my head right now. Please don’t take it personally. Dissociation is my 2nd favorite defense mechanism.
a picture of my hips … My left hip DOES have cancer inside the femur bone … Just like the right hip did, prior to surgery

(19-04-15) PET Scan #2

Disclaimer: NONE of this is good news. So if you have somewhere to be after this, or you need to keep your game face on, or it’s just not a good time for you to feel sad or start crying, i highly encourage you to close out this entry and come back to it at a later time.

In Mexico, Dr. Rubio told me that, according to the CT scans i spent $2,200 on, there was marked improvement in my lungs, neck, chest, abdomen, and liver. We weren’t sure about my brain because it was my first MRI, and there was no change in my lower back.

According to a comparison between January’s PET scan and April’s PET scan, NONE OF THAT is true.

First, i want to show you two pictures.

PET scans take photographs of various sections of the body. These photos concentrate on my liver. The one on the left is from January, and the one on the right is from April. If you look closely, you can see there is a lot more black in April’s, meaning the cancer has become significantly worse in that area. There are more than ten new lesions in this area alone.

As it has in virtually EVERY area.

Here is a list of what was discussed today between me and my oncologist, as he showed me proof via pictures and the radiologist’s report sent to him:

  • In my back, i have three new lesions: one in my L3 (middle of my lumbar spine), one in my T5 (where a bra strap would be), and one in my sacrum (bottom of my spine). This explains the intense pain I’ve been having in my lower back.
  • There are many new lesions in my bones.
  • There are new nodes and new lesions in my lungs. Coupled with the fact that the nodes in my chest have grown bigger and there is a new one, this explains the awful coughing fits i have been having for several weeks now.

There was, i guess, a little bit of good news:

  • My right hip is fine, but that’s because they took out the cancer when i had that hip replacement surgery in December. So we weren’t really expecting to see anything there.
  • I do not have cancer in my left hip, like i was worried about. The pain in that area is from my left hip compensating for the weakness in my right hip as it continues to heal.

So. If i stick to my stance of not doing chemo, i have about 3-9 months left. Dr. Curley said the pain in my back, stomach, and neck/lungs will get worse, and the brain tumor will cause confusion in my final days/weeks. I did agree to radiation in my back (and possibly my brain, after i get a second MRI of that area), but that will really just be more of a pain management thing because even if the radiation zaps the cancer in that area, we have way bigger issues with the liver, lungs, chest, and bones.

BEST CASE SCENARIO

I really was making legitimate improvement, but being hospitalized for a week, then getting subpar treatment my final week because i was in so much pain from the surgery, then waiting two weeks in the States to start my program because i was trying to focus first in healing from the ulcer surgery put me in a huge setback.

WORST CASE SCENARIO

Dr. Rubio was straight up lying to my face about my so-called progress so that i would continue to stay there.

Needless to say, i am cancelling my trip there at the end of the month.

Daddy, i am soooo sorry i wasted so many thousands of your dollars. I will work diligently to pay you back as much as i can. Based on GoFundMe donations, income from a new roommate, and a $900 bonus at work, i have $5,000 in the account for you. I know it’s a drop in the bucket… But i will keep working on it.

I know a bunch of you have already started calling and texting, wanting to know about my appointment today. I also know that, once you read this, my phone is going to start blowing up. For this reason, I’m turning my phone off for the night. I can’t talk to anyone right now. I am a hot mess of tears, pessimism, and negativity right now. I need to process. Please understand that, and be patient with me. Please.

(19-04-11) PET Scan

Quick update –

I had a PET scan this morning. On Monday afternoon, i meet with Dr. Curley (my oncologist) to discuss the results. My insurance company initially denied this test because i just had one in January, so they didn’t consider it medically necessary. Luckily, Dr. Curley pulled some strings and got that decision reversed. I’m curious to see if this PET scan shows the same thing as the CT scans in Mexico: shrinking and eviscerated tumors.

I’ll keep you posted.

(19-04-07) Home Program

Prior to returning to the states, i bought a home program. It was $7500 for all the vaccine shots and another $600 for the vitamin supplements. I charged them to my credit card, promptly put them in the refrigerator when we arrived home, and haven’t touched them since. I wanted my body to heal from the ulcer surgery first, before i started dealing with side effects from the vaccines.

Except it’s taking longer than expected to heal from that surgery. And i am starting to feel the cancer moving around in certain parts of my body again. Back. Liver. Right hip. It’s active.

So tomorrow i will sit down and organize all my supplements for the week. Tomorrow night i will give myself my first vaccine shot. I’ll probably feel shitty at work next week, but hey. I felt shitty at work these past two weeks, so what difference does it make? At least i don’t have to worry about teaching my own classes until next month. All i need to worry about right now is the cancer moving around in my body again.

Back. Liver. Right hip.

I’m coming for you assholes.