(19-04-16) A Collection of Thoughts From Today

  • To those of you who have called, texted, or hugged me at work, thank you. I feel your love and support. I’m still not ready to talk to everyone about this. I’m trying to figure out what i want my next steps to be, and i need to do this on my own.
  • Did Dr. Rubio lie to me about all the improvements i was making? Or did going off the program for a month (ulcer surgery, a week of hospitalization, and then three weeks of recovery) cause this much deterioration? I know that Rubio Cancer Center is not a scam because i have heard half a dozen people TELL ME their success stories. I want to believe in Dr. Rubio’s ethics and competency … but my anger puts doubts in my head.
  • Dad, your stupid president screwed me on my taxes. Usually, i get about $4,000 back each year, largely due to itemized expenses. He took away a lot of the expenses i would itemize – which cost me $3 grand. Regardless, my $1,143 refund is going right to you via our joint account. You currently have $5k in there… Haha, only $50,000 to go.
  • During Cancer Treatment Round I, I remember how much i hated being consumed by so many medical appointments. It’s already happening (and i haven’t even fully agreed to treatment). Today, i met a new radiologist. He will do the radiation on my brain IF i agree to it. Brain surgery is also a possibility, depending on what next week’s MRI shows. Both options freak me the fuck out. My best friend from high school died from brain cancer. He was really fucked up at the end….
  • Dr. Curley wants me to try 2-3 rounds of chemo to see if it is something i am willing to put up with. I told him I’d think about it and read the literature. He swears up and down it will be nothing like the chemo i had in 2016. I have trust issues and don’t believe him.
  • My boss is being so understanding. When we were talking today about the situation and how it involves my job, i bawled the entire time.
  • I have cried all day – both by myself and everytime someone approaches me to discuss this. I am an ugly crier.
  • My phone will be off a lot this week. I am stuck inside my head right now. Please don’t take it personally. Dissociation is my 2nd favorite defense mechanism.
a picture of my hips … My left hip DOES have cancer inside the femur bone … Just like the right hip did, prior to surgery

Author: breastcancerat35

I was diagnosed with Stage 3C Invasive Breast Cancer in October/November, 2015. This blog is my way to process my experience and allow my loved ones to have ongoing updates about my journey.

One thought on “(19-04-16) A Collection of Thoughts From Today”

  1. You have a million supporters. But, I am here. Laugh, cry, watch more horrid nexflix movies and compare notes. If you want to run away and hide my house is open. But, I think you should fight. Fight your Wonder Womyn battle. Kick it in the ass again. Kill it with radiation. Kill it with surgery. Dont give up. Your spirit needs to be here. Your strength is there. Even if it feels stomped on and trampled, it’s there. We love you. Whatever your decision you will be loved and supported. Please call. Please text. Please scream. Get it out.

    Liked by 2 people

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